Friday, 22 March 2013

Meh.


I must be growing up because I suddenly have started empathizing my parents—well, not exactly empathizing—but have begun understanding some of what they say and worry about. I suppose most people grow through it… I was a moderately rebellious teenager (as per modern urban Indian standards) and in some ways, I still remain so. I have seen my parents, crib, fight, and wail, shout at me with “advices”, “demands”, “emotional blackmailing” and such. And I had gone right ahead and done what I had wanted to anyways, despite the occasional momentary hitch (they are my parents after all). Sometimes what I’ve wanted has been a success but most of the time a colossal failure.
 
Now I know how parents feel…how anyone at all feels when you see someone you love make a stupid decision (most often based on impulse, and emotional crap), act it through despite the glaring warning signals and despite how much it hurts you, pray that it works! The feeling of helplessness of seeing someone walk head on to the path of disappointment and hurt is beyond words. You can just sit back and cringe at the thought of seeing them suffer, for their suffering has already been marked inevitable by them. And you must let them go.

And wait.

For when they are going through the hurt, first will come denial. That’s real sad because they will push and pull through the hurt anyways. And your own helpless continues and so does your own hurt. You can just hope that when they are dealing with the mess, and are over the mess, you’re there with them. And that they haven’t pushed you away by that time.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Shittiest March I've Ever Had!

Which is a big thing in itself because I've had some really bad ones. This has to be by far the most humiliating and heart-wrenching of them all. Anyways, first off, my apologies for not writing for a while. I was busy with a lot of personal melodrama that was in most ways flung upon me, and in some ways I suppose I brought it to myself. Ugh, I feel so stupid! I feel beyond stupid! 

So I'm blogging. Because apparently this is the only thing that's helping me to not getting into a murderous rage. Or nag my own self to death. I wish I could just be normal and torture the other person by being excessively sarcastic and rude and most of all, cold (like he was) but I just can't bring myself to do that. I can't, even in this pain and humiliation, I cannot bring myself to stoop to that level. Neither can I stoop to a worse level---that of emotional manipulation. So instead, I am typing all this. Of course I could've just done the cliches like gotten drunk or bitched on the phone for hours, or oh... So recently a friend random guy (I don't make friends with cowards, say whatever) very nicely declared that to lighten my mood, however dark, I just have to do watch "something Korean". Well, why thank you for typecasting me. Such an honour. I am touched beyond reason. Apparently watching a TV show or a film will help me feel less worthless. Because I am clearly a bimbo, and I just need so-called trivial distractions. I don't have real feelings and neither do I have real feelings for others...my feelings must be sorted out and typecast by other, more intellectual people. I don't even deserve the satisfaction of giving out a reaction like expressing pain or anguish or utter embarrassment. I am not real. I am just a "fancy". 

Many readers may think that I am being silly for venting out here for this is the content of a personal diary. But it's my blog and I shall write whatever I please. So, then.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Look Back In...Confusion

There are a lot of books that you love at first sight. Or at least I have. I open the pages and barely two pages and I'm all in the I-lurve-you mode (think: Harry Potter, To Kill A Mockingbird, Mrs. Dalloway etc). And there are books that I haven't liked straight away but have come to appreciate and even love some of them over time. I suppose I needed some maturity or even plain time to see their worth. I first noticed this when about two years ago, I was going through some personal shit, my life was stuck in a ditch and I was mad---at everybody. But I was mostly mad at myself. It was really silly, and melodramatic and immature, I know all that now, but back then I was just so angry with everyone around me for giving me such a hard time, for not having a hard time themselves and at myself for being so effing stupid! And that was when two years after reading the play Look Back In Anger by John Osborne that I realised how much sense it actually made. I'll be honest, I hadn't like it that much when I had read it for the first time. All that happened in that play was a man who was perpetually angry for God knows what reason. And then two years later it happened to me and it suddenly hit me...the sort of frustration one can feeling out of sheer nothingness. Then last year I really began appreciating poetry by T.S. Eliot. I've read a lot of his work before but The Wasteland touched my heart. I guess it's because I've been seeing a lot of things so fragmented and pretty much like an actual wasteland. My favorite lines from The Wasteland are: 

And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.

Off late I have begun falling in love with John Keats' poetry. I was never that much of a poetry person and especially not the biggest fan of the Romantics. Until now that I'm in love with the writings of Keats. How did I fail to see the rhythm, the beautiful flow of his poetry before? I recently read a poem by him that I had never even heard of before. It's called To Fanny and it is breathtaking. Did you know he was a merely an year older than I am right now when he died? I found that out recently too and this just made me downright sad. 25 years is way too young to die. Such a pity, I mean what with him leaving his medical practice for writing poems (good choice by the way!) and having to leave behind his fiance to go to Italy for health reasons and ultimately dying far away from her. I wish I could meet Keats and hug him; he seems like he would have needed a hug. 

I am still waiting for the day I will like The Mill On The Floss or, in fact, any of the George Elliots. I guess I need way more maturity for those!
 

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Why I don't like being wished on Women's Day.

Despite what I had mentioned in my earlier post, I did not get around to doing any of the stuff---writing another post, watching anything on my laptop or hunting for food last night. So I'll just go about it right now. It was something called "Women's Day" yesterday and people insisted on wishing me. I don't like this stupid concept... it seems derogatory for women, somehow. To me, it seems like the world is screaming that women are small little things who please the other (The Men) and fine, let's give them one freaking day to make them happy and let them shut up the rest of the year. 

Wtf.

Why should there even be a Women's Day? What about Men's Day? Do men not work a lot? Do they have no problems? Do they not struggle? No. They do, everyone does. That's the point... we all have f***'ed up issues in life and we all deserve equal credit. The point is not about getting one lousy day to make you feel wanted and all. The deal is not pity. The point is equality.

Or are you saying that 8th March is Women's Day and the rest of the year is Men's Day all around? Because that's not very liberating for women. See, I'm a feminist and I am all for gender equality (and yes, I accept the physical difference between men and women) BUT that's the thing... gender equality. Not one gender telling us that we are "special". We know we are special, thank you very much, as are you! None of us are very special-er, you know. 

I would feel way nicer if women were respected for what they are and seen as equals throughout the year.

Friday, 8 March 2013

Creative Blogger Award

I've finally gotten around to doing this! Yay for my very awesome will power. And since I have lined up many things lined up for tonight (which includes hopefully another post, watching a movie on me laptop, hunting for & consuming food and so on). So anyways, some days ago Ajay Kontham of The Shaded Shadows awarded me this thing and I have to proceed to the said rules. So here goes!

 Rules:
1. Thank the Blogger and link back to the blog.
2.a. Three things About yourself.
   b. Two things People don't know about you.
   c. One thing you want to change about yourself.
3. Answer the questions asked by the blogger. 
4. Nominate this award to the deserving blogs. Pass it on. 
5. Ask some questions to the bloggers who got nominated.
6. Inform the bloggers about their award.
Getting started!

1. Thank you Ajay Kontham of The Shaded Shadows for giving me this award. I am extremely delighted and honoured to have received this. (My most serious award-getting tone there is!)
2. a. Three things about me: 
     (i) I love reading...for fun!
    (ii)  I am a coffee-drinker.
    (iii) I am watching a K-drama right on the side.
  
b. Two things people don't know about me:
  • My real name is not "Anya". It is my nickname, something my friends call me which has also become my blogger name and I love it.
  • I prefer beaches to mountains.
c. One thing I want to change about myself:
     I wish I was hard-working and not lazy.

3. Here are the questions by the blogger to me and my answers:
 What is the one word that comes to your mind when you hear the following words/phrases? (Make it like a rapid fire round - Mention the first word that strikes you! And if you make if fast, it would be cool.)
   
a. World: Bank
b. Life: Love
c. Awards: Nice
d. School: Fun
e. Love: Blah
f. Books: Brilliant
g. Death: Mystery
h. Work: Boring
i. Sports: Blah
j. (Your Name): Nothing...just my name
k. Dog: Awwwwwww
l. Parents: Support
m. My Blog : Outlet
n. Chocolates: Yummy
o. Me/The Author/Ajay (Don't tell me you haven't heard this name/word :P): Nice :)
4. Ok, the people I want to give this award to..
  1. Go-Phish at Light in Life
  2. JIW at American Joy
  3. Anukriti Khare at NOT intellectual enough!!
  4. Ela at DYARA (Circle/Frame)
5. My questions for my nominees...
    
1. What is your favorite mythical creature?
2. What's the song playing on your iPod?
3.  What is your favorite meal of the day?
4. What was the best vacation you ever had?
5. Tell us about a day from your life that you would want to live one more time.