Sunday, 30 August 2009

Glass Window

Trapped. And all there is as an excuse for a connection with the outside world is a glass window.
I hate it, I do. I hate every bit of it. But that’s not even the point. The point is that I loved every bit of it. I still do, I still love all this if one looks at the bigger scheme of events. But for now, this very real, slow moment, I hate everything I love.
A “madwoman in the attic”? Maybe. And all there is as an outlet, is a glass window.
It’s raining outside & I’ve always loved that. But now its mocking at me, the rain is. I hate it. I see it falling from the sky & touching everything but myself. And so, I’m left untouched. For I’m trapped.
It’s not really a torture chamber. There’s everything one needs for a luxurious existence. But for all those things one wants, one loves, outside their glass windows.
You’re not on your own. You’re with your people. You never have had to lift a finger.
What help is that? I’m trapped, and this structure that holds me…its suffocating me, as if it’s a vacuum, like a very tight corset. Society is like a hand that destines you to wear a corset with an excuse to make you look desirable, and then pulls the strings so hard that the corset crushes your ribs, knocks out the breath out of your body, and leave you like this for life.
And you smile, to make yourself look desirable. You see yourself in that corset and high heels through the glass window.
I see and do nothing for I’m trapped. And supposed to be grateful for this entrapment. But for all those things outside my glass window.
Because I’m a woman.

Saturday, 22 August 2009

Almost Monsoon Musings

This year, the monsoon is late. In fact, there is no monsoon at all. Ofcourse, it does 'rain' once in a while but all that happens as an after effect is more humid weather & more sufferings on the part of us mortals. Though it did rain yesterday & that also along with a storm which resulted in pitch darkness at 4:30 pm & immense happiness to me. The happiness dimmed a tad bit when I was in multiple jams all over Delhi.

So, on the whole, a very hot, unbearable year. A sort of year when you want to wear a tank-top & shorts and just that. But no, life has its own rules. Public transport & a college full of crowd of men whose only work in life seems to be sitting in a group at Nescafé to check women out. I've even started carrying a scarf to metro. I could strangle myself, nay--someone else (*wink*) with it.

North Campus is an over-hyped & over-rated place. It's not half as fun & cool as they say it is. And after much thought I've come to the conclusion that Kamala Nagar a.k.a "KNags" is THE most boring place in all of Delhi.

However, North Campus gives me a large supply of people to study & most (if not all) are students. Out of everyone, I don't quite understand the category of jeans-&-kurta clad men How can they willingly stifle themselves in this obnoxious heat? How do they not feel hot? I mean, its not like they are in JNU & there is an unsaid presumption about the dress code. No. They are in DU.

I really don't understand their desire to get all suffocated in the heat. I mean, they are men; they can wear whatever they like without being stared at, talked about & finger pointed. If I were a man & it were this hot, I would go about in shorts & a lose t-shirt. Not in a pair of jeans & a kurta with its otherwise full-sleeves rolled up to three-fourth. But laissez faire prevails. Each one to his/her own.

Monday, 10 August 2009

Law & Literature

Since I've decided to spend the next three years of my graduated (college) life in studying Law-- a topic that I've always been in love with-- I decided to mingle it with another love of mine: Literature. It feels like a page from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love sometimes; she following the three Is, and I, following the two Ls. Bad joke & a horrible parallel, but there you go.

I just gave a bulk order to an e-book-store in Bombay (fine, call it Mumbai if you like, my lips still roll out the word Bombay effortlessly & I shall stick to that). Why Bombay? No, the bookstores of New Delhi are still running fine, don't worry, and I'm still a huge fan of theirs (especially all Tekesons chain & Oxford Bookstore...I love Cha Bar!) but I had this urge (?) to buy books from all over the nation. Crazy, you say? Well, so be it. Whatever made you think I was sane in the first place? Also, I remember the only book I had from Bombay for the longest time. It was Pearl S. Buck's The Good Earth, a book I love, adore & cherish. It's almost hard to find, but I found it there, in the Taj Hotel's bookstore, it was lying in Bombay waiting for me to come down from Delhi to pick it up.

But I'm diverting from the point. I bought a good many books, my only indulgence. And among various treasures, I bought a Law-Literature! Perfect. I bought a copy of John Grisham's The Rainmaker. I haven't started reading it yet (oh, I have long line of novels waiting to be read... Rebecca I'm currently reading, then Wilderness Tips and then maybe The Rainmaker will have its go). Still, I cannot describe in words how I felt to have it in my bookshelf, to know its mine. My two loves together, united. The cover itself makes me happy: red, a hammer sort of thing judges used (is there a term for them?) and its about the law. That is enough to make me happy.

Its funny that the only book by Grisham I have read is not about law at all. And others have read it, without loving it, without even understanding it.

As for me, I'm happy (*touchwood*) to be lucky enough to study the two favorite topics of mine, each for three whole years.

I think I should end this here, for I have a case to read on Law of Contracts, all of which seem to spin around either houses or horses.

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Contradictions

Off late, every feeling I have contradicts another. My life, every moment of it is surrounded by contradictions. I am happy and I am sad. But it goes way more than that. Many, at lots of moments are happy-sad. With me, it’s more.
I want my life to be fast-forwarded. Sometimes the pace seems irritatingly slow, the wait annoyingly long and everyday just the repeat telecast of the day gone by. Mundane. At the same time, there is a wish to preserve, a wish for time to freeze.
I remember that about two months back, all I wanted to be was a (successful) lawyer. I still do. I like law, surprising as it may seem. But then, when ever I’m in class there is this nagging question in my head that goes along the line of “is there a purpose to this?”. So, another contradiction. I want this, and I wonder whether I do indeed want this.
I want my three years of “legal education” over! I want it to go on…I sometimes even think about LLM!
I am tired all the time, and I can’t sleep. I am turning into a zombie very soon.
I feel suffocated. I feel lonely.
I feel like blogging and just when I’m about to, I don’t feel upto it.
My solace is in trying to make myself believe that everybody has these crazy annoying contradictions at some point of time. I know it’s all stupid, but that’s how I feel, and I wish like mad I didn’t feel everything at the same time.