Thursday, 25 December 2008

Numb...

There’s too much pain. Way too much pain to handle. Pain. Too much pain!

The only possible way of surviving, without losing ‘it’ (your sanity) is well, to let go of your story & enter someone else’s (I found the Twilight saga, of all things, a good companion in misery which made me laugh, cry & verbally abuse Jacob Black at the right moments).

But there’s so much pain. Every memory you had---happy ones included (for happy memory in the times gone by are more painful than the existing pain itself)---will just bring you down.

Do you know the feeling? You really want to cry. Badly. Howl your day through. But you don’t. Because you don’t have the time. Well, I don’t have the time. Nor do I have the energy. Crying & releasing yourself off that pain can be so time consuming that by the time you’re done, there’s a backlog to worry about!

Birthday tomorrow. Personally, I don’t think its such a good time for turning 20. And, unlike other 19-year-olds, its not even about biding farewell to your teenage years. Long time back, there was this fear, yes. But that was a long time back. Now, I would much rather be done away with the raging hormones. And acne (which I got at the age of 19!!).

Advice: If you’re 18, and have never had a single pimple till date, wait till you turn 19!

How did my friends stand it for years?

But yes, not a very nice time to turn 20.

Wish everyone a very happy Noel. Hope everyone I know & care about get everything they wish for and that they always wish for things and people they can get.

15 comments:

saurav said...

happened to visit your blog. (thank you facebook)

"...that they always wish for things and people they can get"

does this not defeat the purpose of wishing in the first place. Given that wishing is the possibly the only metaphysical aspect of the world still capable of being utopian, would you rather have it as more realist?

P.S: your thoughts are highly intriguing. I dont know if you remember me, i studied in sanskriti as well. Hi :)

Anya said...

My thoughts are always intriguing. That's what comes out of being weired,I guess....at any rate "preoccupied". And I think I do remember you, that is IF you're aman's friend...? Coz if you're not the same guy,well, i cant remember any other 'Saurav' & my apologies for a tragic memory.

As for the inverted wishes for my people this absolutely lonely Christmas, it was meant to be a recipe for a sane life. That's something I lack at the present. I've been hoping for some..things.. and realising in the end that even God hasnt the power to give it ("free will" & "predeistination"?). I would want everyone to get WHATEVER they want. But as that's turning out to be impossible, let them always go on wanting the right things. If a persons has no celestial expectations, they cant be hurt?

saurav said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
saurav said...

Well then according to what you say, one shall expect low and get lower till the point he/she expects nothing and gets nothing.

As for "God" having the "power" to give stuff, I believe only in God as a faith. We get what we want for ourselves by ourselves period A belief in God for that is unjustified. As for wanting the "right" things, one should first think about what is "right". A whole different argument within itself.

Anyhow, being an objectivist, i think i make my point of view clear when I say that the lack of purpose is the worst form of depravity someone can have.

P.S: Although i do have my own identity, yes, i am that aman's friend.

Anya said...

Okay, really, I was in a trashy mood that day (and a few days following that day) & all because I wanted something impossible.

Asking for the dead to resurrect is quite impossible u knw... =(

ps: I'm really sorry for defining you through Aman, but we never really did talk in school & that's the way I remembered you. Not to fear, though, for now your the guy who tried to makes sense out of me when I'm battling depression in my blog!

saurav said...

I am very sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way through my comments. One does not know the details of the emotions behind the author's post always. I myself face it when others comment on my posts :)

However, I was just trying to say that one should always want and dream. That is all.

And no need to be sorry at all. I know we did not talk. Would have been good though. You have interesting thoughts. (I think i repeated myself :))

Anya said...

That's okay. You had no ideas what you were poking at :p. Speaking about posting comments, you atleast read & comprehended my post before commenting. I have nutcases arguing with me without having read the darn thing!

And dont you worry, I dream a lot. so much, its not a good thing & Frued would want me to be his case study. But I dream all day long, it helps me come up with more stories.

Also, the compliment you gave me....if it can be argued as a compliment at all (I'm optimistic & will look at it as one, overruling your intentions), i say a thank you in return. *beam*
And ya, it would have been a nice thing if w had talked back in school; but you knw how Sanskriti was, full of madness...so, better late than never!!

saurav said...

no, you got my intentions right. Its always a pleasure to meet someone who has opinions. Right or wrong as they may be, they should exist.

"I think. Therefore, I am". right? :)

and yes, better late that never. cliched but could not be more corretc.

Anya said...

"I think therefore I am". Yes, very much. But lets not get deeply involved in philosophy as yet. I might get into the Waiting For Godot mood and think why the hell do we exist...
There have been real profound theories opposing those of René Descartes, so really, thouchy subject coz I love philosophical discourses.
But, thanx. :)

saurav said...

So do I.

Are you by any chance an existentialist? Your writing makes you seem like one but some of things you say dont.

Anya said...

Well, not as much as Estragon & Vladimir, but, yes, I do have an existentialist bent of mind. Actually, more than just that. I'm some what an existentialist but my beliefs are similar to those of Camus...what did I say made you think I was and otherwise?

saurav said...

well the fact that you have written about the relevance of life, men, friends, desires in an objective way makes for an existentialist line of thinking. However, the fact that you seem to believe in God not just merely as a faith, but as a higher being makes you drift away from existentialism.

I for one, am an ardent admirer of Sartre, Kierkegaard and Nietzsche. Though, I simply adore Soren Kierkegaard.

Anya said...

I happen to live in a very different socio-cultural-religious world than Camus, Nietzcshe, Sartre, Jaspers and the gang. That's the main point. Besides, I dont think I'm an existentialist in the true sense of the word and I would never be proud at any rate if I do end up declaring myself one.

This branch of thought fascinates me a lot, i admit. But the time when I was introduced to this theory, I was also simultaneously studing about various other theories which side by side shaped my being. Only one thing cant decide my personality and so it is in this case. I like existentialism beacuse I've seen that everyone does tend to be, if not existentialist, getting an existentialist angst. Not everyone can be a Marxist, feminist, post-modernist etc but everyone does seem to go through that phase of "Oh, what's the damn point??".
Same it is with me.

Also, existentialists are broadly of 2 types: athiest & religious. While Nietzsche said "God is dead", Kierkegaad was a Christian.
Also, camus tells one to hope. Which is what I do, like Sisyphus.

My idea of God has changed a lot since 3 yrs. I dont think God as a "Him" (although, ya, long yrs of brain washing ddoes produce a reflex there!) and many at times not as a person. God's not just faith. God is power, that unexplained force which is essential. Maybe, 20 yrs from now they'll now what it is just like the magnetic poles.

If I were do associate an "ism" with myself, it'll be "feminism" for I, like, Sisyphus, would like to tame my rock and defy crappy authorities.

saurav said...

"My idea of God has changed a lot since 3 yrs. I dont think God as a "Him" (although, ya, long yrs of brain washing ddoes produce a reflex there!) and many at times not as a person. God's not just faith. God is power, that unexplained force which is essential..."

Exactly.The essentiality of it can be questioned however. I can place all my faith on a rock, keep it with me and call it my luck charm. Pray to it if needed and ask for wishes that usually are impossible from it. Just to satisfy myself. That could also be God. Given that some people already seem to do thing I just said, "GOD" per se is hoggwash.


"If I were do associate an "ism" with myself, it'll be "feminism" for I, like, Sisyphus, would like to tame my rock and defy crappy authorities."

Glad to know that :)

Anya said...

Hmmmm....or God could mean your inner self. That could be argued too. A peice of stone can work miracles, you know, if you truely believe it can. Its the faith that counts. I think Moses could creation a separation in the sea, not because God did it for him, but because he belived he could. Afterall, he had an ordinary staff whih didn't work for others.

God is within you. Holy scriptures tell us that and people seem to take it literaly. But it just means, that we humans need to find our inner voice, confidence and strenght to bring about the change. That is God. And I've been hoping people would ask for practical things because we cannot perform miracles. Maybe you took it for the impossible in the disheartening sense, I just meant it as something going against the deepest nature such as resurrecting the dead or making people love out of force.

Btw, good to see men being glad to see feminists budding!